It's been a long while since I've posted anything but there has been many changes in the past year or two. I don't even know where to begin. Too many deaths & heartaches, life changing ordeals & not enough time or wide enough vocabulary to put it all down like it should be but I'll do my best.
Normally I'm pretty upbeat about life. I only complain to those close to me & chances are, they know it's only temporary. I get off my chest what I need to & move along. Now it's tough being the loaner that I am. Sure I have friends that love me beyond words & a boyfriend that fits me well but a loaner needs space... lots of it. Not because I'm up to no good or trying to get away with something I wouldn't do around someone but because space equals peace. A calm quiet serenity that not too many people even know about. Sometimes I get angry when people call or text me. I assume they should "know better" than to try to contact me in the middle of the day but that's part of a loaners life. When I', alone I read, surf the web for bright stupid high definition pictures that I might use for a background but most of all I think. I don't think of much of anything really but I do a lot of thinking. Not about things in particular just about unicorns, ocean scenes & everything in between (not so much unicorns but when I'm on a thinking roll my mind has been known to wander).
With the job I have now I don't get any thinking time. A loaner with no alone time is like a crackhead with no chore boy. It's whatever, whenever, however, whoever, wherever & everything in between. I have a VERY small family that consists of 3 people. One being my daughter, my mom & a brother that I see less than the Halley's comet & myself. That's it, that is all I have. So I depend of my friends & my boyfriend Damon to go to whenever I have things on my mind. Not many people understand me or know how to take me but I think that's why I feel I'm different. I'm not an open book to outsiders or associates. But the people that I allow to know me know that I have a big heart, compassion & understanding. Maybe too much understanding but that's just the way I was wired to be.
Knowing I'm a loaner helps my attitude tremendously. At first I was viewed as a selfish asshole. People tend to think that when a person wants to be alone they just want time to cheat or to do dumb shit. Them people are the ones I avoid at all costs because chances are that is what THEY do when their wanting to be alone. That is NOT what a loaner does or even thinks about doing. When I say I want to be "alone" that is exactly what I mean. I know I think like most men do & I've known that for quite some time. & I have to admit, it has its perks.My alone time is something I look forward to. Hearing footsteps, doorbells, knocks, phones ringing, toilets flushing, doors opening & closing, channels changing is like fingernails on a chalkboard to a loaner. Unannounced people make me just about want to snap. Silence is a loaners very best friend.
I haven't had anytime to myself for at least 3 months. It's taking a toll on my health & my mind. I'm heading to Florida with my boss & their family but I'm not looking forward to it like I should be. I'm not because I dread thinking about how much time I won't have to myself in such a beautiful state. Chaos & sound is pretty much all it will consist of. I'll deal with it though only because I do like my job overall but change needs to happen. I am wanting to buy a newer car & once I do I am going to make some changes with or without approval. If I stay living my life like this I will be clinically insane by my birthday.
Needless to say, Loaners need space. It's NOT you, or anything pertaining to you, if you have to have someone near you at all times or even half the time, a loaner is not the person for you.
Normally I'm pretty upbeat about life. I only complain to those close to me & chances are, they know it's only temporary. I get off my chest what I need to & move along. Now it's tough being the loaner that I am. Sure I have friends that love me beyond words & a boyfriend that fits me well but a loaner needs space... lots of it. Not because I'm up to no good or trying to get away with something I wouldn't do around someone but because space equals peace. A calm quiet serenity that not too many people even know about. Sometimes I get angry when people call or text me. I assume they should "know better" than to try to contact me in the middle of the day but that's part of a loaners life. When I', alone I read, surf the web for bright stupid high definition pictures that I might use for a background but most of all I think. I don't think of much of anything really but I do a lot of thinking. Not about things in particular just about unicorns, ocean scenes & everything in between (not so much unicorns but when I'm on a thinking roll my mind has been known to wander).
With the job I have now I don't get any thinking time. A loaner with no alone time is like a crackhead with no chore boy. It's whatever, whenever, however, whoever, wherever & everything in between. I have a VERY small family that consists of 3 people. One being my daughter, my mom & a brother that I see less than the Halley's comet & myself. That's it, that is all I have. So I depend of my friends & my boyfriend Damon to go to whenever I have things on my mind. Not many people understand me or know how to take me but I think that's why I feel I'm different. I'm not an open book to outsiders or associates. But the people that I allow to know me know that I have a big heart, compassion & understanding. Maybe too much understanding but that's just the way I was wired to be.
Knowing I'm a loaner helps my attitude tremendously. At first I was viewed as a selfish asshole. People tend to think that when a person wants to be alone they just want time to cheat or to do dumb shit. Them people are the ones I avoid at all costs because chances are that is what THEY do when their wanting to be alone. That is NOT what a loaner does or even thinks about doing. When I say I want to be "alone" that is exactly what I mean. I know I think like most men do & I've known that for quite some time. & I have to admit, it has its perks.My alone time is something I look forward to. Hearing footsteps, doorbells, knocks, phones ringing, toilets flushing, doors opening & closing, channels changing is like fingernails on a chalkboard to a loaner. Unannounced people make me just about want to snap. Silence is a loaners very best friend.
I haven't had anytime to myself for at least 3 months. It's taking a toll on my health & my mind. I'm heading to Florida with my boss & their family but I'm not looking forward to it like I should be. I'm not because I dread thinking about how much time I won't have to myself in such a beautiful state. Chaos & sound is pretty much all it will consist of. I'll deal with it though only because I do like my job overall but change needs to happen. I am wanting to buy a newer car & once I do I am going to make some changes with or without approval. If I stay living my life like this I will be clinically insane by my birthday.
Needless to say, Loaners need space. It's NOT you, or anything pertaining to you, if you have to have someone near you at all times or even half the time, a loaner is not the person for you.