Thinking out loud...

I been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks. I just don't know anymore and be unsure really sucks. I don't know where to start with all this. I just don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings but yet I feel that I can't be with someones man, husband or whatever they claim to be. I want someone new, someone I can learn who can learn me. I don't want to hook up with someone who has kids. Or has ever been married already - I guess I just don't want someone who's "been there done that". I don't wanna be number 2 with someone like him. The thought is alright but that's just it - a thought that fades over time. I don't have anything to offer anyone right now so I'm not really looking to be with anyone right now but maybe later sometime. Then I don't even know. Maybe it's that I'm not really ready to be with him but maybe someone else. My mind alters daily so who the hell knows. My daughter and I have something that many, many people don't and never will. We've connected on so many levels and her opinion counts. She wants me happy but yet she wants me to be with the guy that she wants to be around too. I don't want "things" I want a good "someone" whos all done with all the playing, cheating, lying and drinking. My life is so dull and boring that I don't know if there is even anyone out there whos willing to just sit and be. I don't want to be around people much at all. Starting something with someone I have already dated isn't something I care to do. He's already had a family life, a wife, kids and all that. I don't wanna be step mom and have to take care of kids that aren't mine. I don't even like kids in all honesty. Hell, Diamond already tells me that she doesn't wanna have to share her house with kids and I know where she's coming from because I don't either. I love silence, serenity and doing absolutely nothing. That's why I don't care to be with anyone who has kids. It's not just the kids it's the mother behind the kids that I would have to deal with too. I'm not willing to do all that.Diamonds dad is so cool when it comes to meeting guys that I date and I expect the same but it's never that way when it comes to meeting someones kids mom. It's like constant drama and I chose not to deal with it. That's why I seek out men who either have no kids or don't see the ones they do have. It works out best for me that way. No weekend visits and having to put on the "happy face" when the kids are around. If I were a kid person I would have had more than just the one I have. I don't understand why people just don't get it. They see me as being rude or mean but that's not it at all. I just don't like kids and I know it so why try and fake the funk? My mom knows that, my daughter knows that hell, even my kids dad knows that. I'm just not a kid person. Never was when Diamond was a baby and nothing has changed since. Some people are all about their kids and that's them - I would rather hang out without the responsibilities pf having to go home because the kids are home or they need to go here and there. I knew that then and i know it now. It sounds selfish of me to not want to be with someone who has kids when I have one of my own but she and I are simpletons. We are cool just laying around the house doing nothing. She's not on hyper meds, doesn't have ADHD or any other "made up" bad kid issue and why should we have to accept it? We don't. I'm thinking of just calling it a day on this whole searching guy thing for a long time. Maybe start looking for older men whos kids are out of the house. That I could deal with. Someone who can come and go as he pleases without getting calls from "baby momma" about little Johnny being sick and needs to be taken to the hospital and all that bullshit. I don't ever recall a time when I called Diamonds dad when she was in the hospital because when I have her it's on me... when he has her it's on him... The only reason I would call him would be if she were on life support or something of that nature but not just because she was sick that's petty. But there are females out there everyday who do that dumb shit and that is what I am not willing to have to deal with. I don't care if the kids sick and don't care if they are in the hospital. That's just me. I choose not to meet up with someone who has kids because I can. I have choices and that is what I chose to do. Call it what you want but I don't have to accept things that I don't have to.