Once again - I'm back to the drawing board. I swear I should just call it a day and give up on this shit. Instead of forcing myself to keep on keeping on I'm going to start making myself toss in the towel and walk off. I'm sick of feeling like a no good whore without a damn dime. Some things are better left alone. My life doesn't suck - It just sucks making memories alone. I don't even know why I even wanna find someone whos worth a shit. I've raised my standards too high I think. I should just say fuck it and take whatever I can get just so I can have someone to have. Fuck THAT - I can't no matter how I word it. I'm an asshole and I know it. I actually like that part of me in a strange twisted way. I like the fact that when people meet me they automatically know that they have to come at me unlike they have done in the past because if they don't I have no problem letting them know about themselves. As bad as I want to settle - I can't. I know exactly what I want but the older I get the more I feel it's never going to happen. I don't care about the thoughts I have about dying alone. So that's not the problem. I don't know what it is. I'm just really tired of even thinking about it anymore. I'm sick of thinking that in order to have a nice life I have to have "someone" in my life. Who even gives a fuck anymore... really?
This is NOT the kind of thing I ever wanted to type anytime soon. Today I had to tell my mom "so long". She found out last July that she had lymphoma - It's a type of cancer that is in nasal passage I think. Either way she passed away today at 1:32 PM at Mercy Hospital. I'm REALLY gonna miss her BUT I KNOW she was saved without a doubt. That alone makes it so much better letting her go. I am blessed that the Lord has laid a peace over me like I have never felt or had happen to me before. I am relaxed, at ease & just missing her already. Diamond & I missed her time of passing & I think as a few others think that she & God had that panned. We were not gone from the hospital room for 60 seconds & she passed away. She wasn't in any pain or uncomfortable (not that we could tell anyway). Knowing my mom she probably wanted something moved, lifted or adjusted. That's just her LOL. I don't even know if it has hit me yet. I still feel the sho...