Matt and I have decided to stay together - Does that make me weak because I've taken him back after what he has done to me? Do I look like I'm someone who can be walked on? Am I now viewed as a person who will stay with someone no matter what they do? Does that give him a get out of jail free card? I certainly hope not. I believe that I'm stronger than I was - more open eyed than I used to be and more determined than ever before. The VERY LAST thing a person wants to do is see me as a pushover. I admit I do allow alot more to slide than I used to but I was "too on top of things" then. I was far too bitchy because things weren't carried out the way I thought they should have been. I didn't even like me then - why would have anyone else? This isn't just coming on in the past few years this has been on going within my self for my entire life. I gave Matt a black eye - hurt him on the inside as well as made him feel like he's a nobody by the things I said but no matter what I did or what I said or even how bad I made him feel I still couldn't change the fact that I loved him. I wanted to hate him so badly that I would have given anything just to be able to say I hate him and mean it. But I couldn't and I still can't. Wanting to hate someone is the worse feeling because it's not about what you do or say - if it's not going to be you fail.And feeling like a failure on top of my pain hurt all the more.
Today Matt is the someone that I wished for all this time. When I used to sit back and daydreamed about "my guy" it's now, today. God is the middle of my life and I have been told that out of total destruction, chaos, misery and pain God makes happiness, pleasure and relief. If not for God (and this is not to be taken lightly) I would have ended my life. Not because of Matt but because that was the icing on my cake. If there were anything to push me over the edge that would have been the deal breaker. But because God is more than me and everyone and everything else I'm able to turn my computer on and type this.
I never knew what "forgiving" someone truly meant - I thought that it was forgetting or seeing it as an "I'm sorry" but it's nothing close. It's knowing that what the person has done that caused pain and being able to let go and see past it. It's not forgetting, it's moving forward. Lord Knows the least I wanted to do was forgive anyone who has wronged me but who am I? The wrong doer non-forgiver? Too hypocritical for me. For myself - I have to forgive in order to be forgiven. It's not easy but it's something that has to happen.
Today Matt is the someone that I wished for all this time. When I used to sit back and daydreamed about "my guy" it's now, today. God is the middle of my life and I have been told that out of total destruction, chaos, misery and pain God makes happiness, pleasure and relief. If not for God (and this is not to be taken lightly) I would have ended my life. Not because of Matt but because that was the icing on my cake. If there were anything to push me over the edge that would have been the deal breaker. But because God is more than me and everyone and everything else I'm able to turn my computer on and type this.
I never knew what "forgiving" someone truly meant - I thought that it was forgetting or seeing it as an "I'm sorry" but it's nothing close. It's knowing that what the person has done that caused pain and being able to let go and see past it. It's not forgetting, it's moving forward. Lord Knows the least I wanted to do was forgive anyone who has wronged me but who am I? The wrong doer non-forgiver? Too hypocritical for me. For myself - I have to forgive in order to be forgiven. It's not easy but it's something that has to happen.
Quote of the day: I don't always do what I say I'm going to do but no-matter what - what happens always happens.