Happy New Year... I guess. I don't know why I haven't been utilizing this blog more - I guess it's because I don't have much to say. I tend to keep things bottled up inside. I know I should talk more but I don't have many people in my life that I want to bother with what's going on with me. I've always been expected to handle things no matter who or what I have in my life at the time. Carrying the load takes a toll on my soul I am learning though. Seems everyone I find to be with don't have the need to help out. I'm the one who does the worrying and all the figuring out. It's gotten VERY tiring and downright depressing to be quite honest. Holidays come and go like every other day. I haven't looked forward to a holiday in a very long time. I don't really know if that's fair to do to myself. I have allowed people to use me till I'm all used up & I don't have an answer as to why I do that. Maybe I think I "owe" people something or maybe I feel that because I have gotten a few things from people that I think it's time to pay it back now... I dunno. Whatever it is it sucks. I can't turn off my giving ways. I wish I could stop putting others before myself but I can't for some damn reason. I have many people who love & care for me, no doubt about that. But sometimes even in a room full of people I feel so alone. Like I don't matter to anyone. I have a boyfriend... I think that's what you would call him but we don't click all that well anymore. he's a drunk & I'm starting to learn than the more I get to know him, the less I want him around me. It's unfair to post it on this blog & not mention it to him but ... like everyone, it's hard for me to bring it up in fear of starting an argument or saying things I don't mean.
New year, same exact shit. I've even altered a few things about myself & it just keeps getting worse & worse.