I have been super slacking on what I believe in. I know what's right yet I do what's wrong. I know what I should do but yet I turn and do what I shouldn't. I've lived it, breathed it and yet I seem to act as if it never happened. How can I be so selfish and still pray? Am I praying for myself being selfish even more or am I that ignorant to actually think I'm in control? If i were in control I would have died years ago. If I had the answers I'd have no questions. If I did what was good for me why am I still struggling? I'm tired of "living" for myself. I hear it all the time - "Do what makes YOU happy". The greatest I've ever been was the times when my nose was so far in the Bible that I couldn't put it down. When I had discernment and heard him, When I had the wisdom of Moses and knew it. When I had gifts that no human could ever give even if they wanted to I was right there in my glory! And I still walked away and did "what made me happy" and have never been more miserable in my life. I always seem to think that I have this all under control when I'm totally out of control. I always feel like I'm doing the right thing when it's totally wrong. I don't know why he's never just tossed in the towel and gave up on me. I've changed more in the past week than he's changed since he has been. Yet - I still do and think the ways that I want to. How stupid can a person be? I doubt him but believe all his promises. I pray when things are going bad and forget him when things are going good. I tend to think that my ways are the right ways and fail every time. I don't know why I think he's not going to give me what's best for me without just letting him do for me. I'm not on me time - I'm on his clock. He gave his only son on a "maybe" so why wouldn't he give me everything I need and more?
How and why am I so selfish?